Life is a series of negotiations. You should be prepared to buy a car, negotiate a pay hike, buy a home, renegotiate rent, and deliberate with your partner. Taking emotional intelligence and intuition to the next level, Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, and Tahl Raz aims to give you a competitive edge in any discussion. The book was published on May 17th 2016.
HOW THE BOOK HELPED US?
Never Split The Difference helped us learn how to have proper negotiation discussions. The book also helped us understand that a non-commitment “yes” can be used just to get away from the situation; a “no” can be an initial word to establish a sense of safety, security, and control for our counterpart, an essential inner environment to get them relaxed and ready for a fruitful talk.
THE BOOK EXPLAINED IN 60 SECONDS
Never Split The Difference guides us through the negotiation tactics that worked and those that didn’t, which
became the FBI’s standard practice and were so disastrous they cost lives and became the standard of what NOT to do. It is as if we jump directly into these many negotiation situations ourselves, and Voss gives us on-the-job training and provides us with pointers to the live action, which is exhilarating.
TOP THREE QUOTES
- “Negotiate in their world. Persuasion is not about how bright or smooth, or forceful you are. It’s about the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their own idea. So don’t beat them with logic or brute force. Ask them questions that open paths to your goals. It’s not about you.”
- “If you approach a negotiation thinking the other guy thinks like you, you are wrong. That’s not empathy; that’s a projection.”
- “Mirrors work magic. Repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of someone has just said. We fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar. Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity, which facilitates bonding. Use mirrors to encourage the other side to empathize and bond with you, keep people talking, buy your side time to regroup, and encourage your counterparts to reveal their strategy.”
BOOK NOTES AND SUMMARIES
Chapter one: The new rules
Hostage-taking and hostage negotiating have existed since the dawn of recorded time. Even the Old Testament manifests a few examples. But until the administration of the 37th president of the US, hostage negotiation as a process was limited to sending in troops and trying to shoot hostages free. In law enforcement, we talked until we figured out how to take them out with a gun. But then, a series of hostage disasters forced us to change. Especially after the Giffe incident, where the plane’s hijacker killed two hostages because the FBI agents got impatient and shot the engine. Soon after the Giffe tragedy, the New York City Police Department (NYPD) became the first police force in the country to put together a dedicated team of specialists to design a process and handle crisis negotiations. The FBI and others followed. The new era of negotiation had begun.
Life is negotiation. Most of our interactions at work and home are negotiations that boil down to expressing a simple, animalistic urge. Negotiation serves two distinct, essential life functions. Which are: information gathering and behaviour influencing. Negotiation includes almost any interaction where each party needs something from the other side. Your career, finances, reputation, love life, and even the fate of your kids at some point all hinge on your ability to negotiate.
Favourite quote of the chapter: “Negotiation is the heart of collaboration. It is what makes conflict potentially meaningful and productive for all parties. It can change your life, as it has changed mine.
Chapter two: Be a Mirror
The language of negotiation is primarily a language of conversation and rapport: a way of quickly establishing relationships and getting people to talk and think together. People who view negotiation as a battle of arguments become overwhelmed by the voices in their heads. Negotiation is not an act of fighting; it’s a discovery process. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.
Mirrors work magic. Repeat the last three words or the critical one to three terms of what someone has just said. We fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar. Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity, which facilitates bonding. Use mirrors to encourage the other side to empathise and bond with you, keep people talking, buy your side time to regroup, and promote your counterparts to reveal their strategies.
Favourite quote of the chapter: “Don’t commit to assumptions; instead, view them as hypotheses and use the negotiation to test them rigorously.
Chapter three: Don’t feel their pain; label it
As you try to insert tactical empathy tools into your daily life, I encourage you to consider them extensions of natural human interactions, not artificial conversational tics. Any exchange pleases us to feel that the other side is listening and acknowledging our situation. Whether negotiating a business deal or simply chatting to the person at the supermarket butcher counter, creating an empathetic relationship and encouraging your counterpart to expand on their situation is the basis of healthy human interaction. These tools, then, are nothing less than emotional best practices that help you cure the pervasive ineptitude that marks our most critical conversations in life. They will help you connect and create more meaningful and warm relationships. That they might help you extract what you want is a bonus; human connection is the first goal.
Favourite quote of the chapter: “In any interaction, it pleases us to feel that the other side is
listening and acknowledging our situation.”
Chapter Four: Beware “Yes—Master “No”
Break the habit of attempting to get people to say “yes.” Being pushed for “yes” makes people defensive. Our love of hearing “yes” makes us blind to the defensiveness we feel when someone pushes us to say it. “No” is not a failure. We have learned that “No” is the anti- “Yes” and, therefore, a word to be avoided at all costs. But it often means “Wait” or “I’m not comfortable with that.” Learn how to hear it calmly. It is not the end of the negotiation but the beginning. Yes” is the final goal of a negotiation, but don’t aim for it at the start. Asking someone for “Yes” too quickly gets his guard up and paints you as untrustworthy. Saying “No” makes the speaker feel safe, secure, and in control, so trigger it. By declaring what they don’t want, your counterpart defines their space and gains the confidence and comfort to listen to you. That’s why “Is now a bad time to talk?” is always better than “Do you have a few minutes to talk?” Sometimes the only way to get your counterpart to listen and engage with you is by forcing them into a “No.” That means intentionally mislabeling one of their emotions or desires or asking a ridiculous question.
Favourite quote of the chapter: “Negotiate in their world. Persuasion is not about how bright or smooth, or forceful you are. It’s about the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their own idea.
Chapter five: Trigger the words that immediately transform any negotiation
Sleeping in the same bed and dreaming different dreams” is an old Chinese expression that describes the intimacy of partnership (whether in marriage or in business) without the communication necessary to sustain it. Such is the recipe for bad weddings and bad negotiations. With each party having its own set of objectives, its own goals and motivations, the truth is that the conversational niceties—the socially lubricating “yeses” and “you’re rights” that get thrown out fast and furious early in any interaction—are not in any way a substitute for fundamental understanding between you and your partner. The power of getting to that understanding, and not to some simple “yes,” is revelatory in negotiation. When you’ve convinced someone that you genuinely understand her dreams and feelings (the whole world that she inhabits), mental and behavioural change becomes possible, and the foundation for a breakthrough has been laid.
Favourite quote of the chapter: “Humans have an innate urge toward socially constructive behaviour. The more a person feels understood and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely that urge for constructive behaviour will take hold.
Chapter six: Bend their reality
A network of subterranean desires and needs defines all negotiations. Don’t let yourself be fooled by the surface. Once you know that the Haitian kidnappers just want party money, you will be better prepared. You can bend your counterpart’s reality by anchoring his starting point. Before you make an offer, emotionally arrive them by saying how bad it will be. When you get to numbers, set an extreme anchor to make your “real” request seem reasonable or use a range to seem less aggressive. The real value of anything depends on what vantage point you’re looking at.
Favourite quote of the chapter: “People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realise a gain. Make sure your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction.
HOW THIS BOOK CAN HELP SOFTWARE DEVELOPERS
“Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It” by Chris Voss is a book that offers practical strategies and tactics for negotiating effectively. While the book is not explicitly targeted at software developers, it can still benefit them. Software developers often have to negotiate with their colleagues, managers, clients, and other stakeholders to get their ideas heard and to reach agreements on project timelines, budgets, and other issues. The book offers insights into human psychology, such as the importance of empathy and active listening, and provides techniques for influencing and persuading others effectively. The techniques outlined in the book can help software developers become better communicators, build stronger relationships with their team members, and ultimately achieve more successful project outcomes.
